


swallow the shame

by CapriciousCrab



Series: burden and blame [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Western, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Letters Home, M/M, Mentions of sex acts for pay, On the Run, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 19:44:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15979142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Living on the run ain't easy and money is spent as quickly as it's won. Tired, hungry, and determined to help them get home to Dan's mum, Phil makes a desperate decision.





	swallow the shame

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation of burden and blame. 
> 
> Thanks to Evening42 for the beta work <3

November 13, 1852  
Council Grove, Kansas

They've been on the run for two weeks. Never staying more than a single night in the same place, they moved from town to dusty town edging ever closer to Indian Territory. This day's stagecoach journey brought them here to Council Grove, where Dan was preparing for a night at the gaming table.

He'd accompanied Dan to this smoke-filled saloon where they’d each ordered a whiskey. Dan wanted to get a feel for the room and the men he would be playing against later that night and Phil just wanted to be near Dan.

He could see the traces of worry and fatigue lining Dan's face, telling tales of long nights at the tables. The money Dan won was used to pay for the daily stagecoach that takes them closer to Dan's mum and further from Phil's crime. There wasn’t much left for comfort items such as food and lodging, so they ate light and slept lighter and it was beginning to show.

Phil was struggling, and not just with Stanton's death. He felt useless; no practical skills and no way to make money. He has a terrible poker face, so he avoided the gaming tables. He had tried working for the town stable once but was so afraid of the horses and their spindly legs that he never even went inside the stalls.

The only thing he knows how to do is to sling drinks… and fuck men.

He finished his drink and rose from the bar, those dark thoughts tumbling about in his head. Dan looked up at him with a small frown on his face, concern darkening his eyes.

“Phil? You alright?” he asked quietly, searching his face carefully.

He's been watching Phil since they’d run as if expecting Phil to fall apart, and the feeling of constantly being watched and assessed for signs of weakness was beginning to wear on him.

He sighed as he discreetly brushed he fingers along Dan's as he pulled away. “I’m fine Danny. Just tired so I’m going to head back to the room now.”

“I'll try not to be too late tonight, yeah? Just long enough to win the coins we need for tickets.”

Some of his thoughts must have been evident on his face because Dan's concern deepened, those thick brows meeting together in a heavy frown.

“Phil?”

“Goodnight Dan.”

He spun on his heel and left the saloon, the warm night air pressing against him, blanketing him in the scents of dirt and horses and cheap liquor. He knew a way to help make the money needed to pay for their passage home to Dan's mother but could he actually  _do_ it? Would Dan consider it a betrayal of this wonderful thing shared between them?

He walked along the boardwalk, boots kicking up small clouds of dust as he passed. Head down, lost in his own ruminations, he walked until the sound of a deep voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Well, hello. What's a pretty bit like you doing all alone?”

His head snapped up and met the dull blue eyes of the man before him. He was short in stature, his blonde head only coming to Phil's shoulder, but he saw no cruelty in those eyes. His thick lips were turned up in what looked like a genuine smile and as Phil studied his face, he made his decision.

“I guess I was feeling a little lonely, looking for a spot of company.”

The man’s smile broadened, his voice going a bit quieter as he said, “Why don't we turn down here and get better acquainted?”

His stomach churned with shame and fear, but Phil let him take his arm and steer him down the darkened alley. He forced a sickly smile and thought only of Dan…

  
**

 

Phil slipped into their room, tired from walking the town after and hoping to climb under the covers and pull them over his head. He didn’t want to think right now, didn’t want to process all the things he was feeling inside. He just wanted to close his eyes and drift away to a place where everything was easy and nothing hurt.

But Dan was waiting for him.

Phil stopped short at the sight of Dan sat on the bed, back against the wall and his arms crossed over his chest. His face was studiously blank but his eyes, his eyes were hard.

“Well, look who came slinking through the door.”

Phil felt his stomach drop and the blood drain from his face.

Dan _knew_.

Phil walked over to the washstand and poured a measure of water into the wash basin from the nearby pitcher. Using the sliver of soap sat on the drying cloth, he lathered his hands over and over again, dipping them into the basin of water to rinse. What began as a stalling tactic turned into a compulsion as he scrubbed and scrubbed at his fingers, his hands turning red from the friction.

He didn’t hear when Dan came up behind him and jumped when Dan's hand came down heavily on his shoulder.

“Phil-"

The combination of anger, hurt, and concern in Dan's voice broke him and he spun around with a choked cry.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Dan!” he cried, raw hands coming up to cover his face. He couldn't bear to look at Dan right now, afraid to see the disgust that must surely be there.

When Dan's arms didn’t come up to encircle Phil and pull him into an embrace, he broke and he wept. With quiet tears and hitching sobs, he cried in near silent sorrow.

Lost in his own misery, it took some time before he noticed the warm hand on his body, rubbing soothing circles across his back. Dragging the sleeve of his shirt across his face, he scrubbed the tears away before finally, _finally_ meeting Dan's eyes.

Those eyes were no longer hard and angry, but the sadness he found in its place had his throat tightening once again.

“I'm sorry Dan," Phil whispered. He longed to reach out and place his hand on Dan’s cheek, to place his thumb on the dimple that hides there, but the thought of placing his soiled hands anywhere near Dan's face made him feel ill. “How did you know?”

“I overheard him talking about a pretty, blue-eyed boy who ‘lent him a hand' " he answered.

Dan's voice was quiet but angry as he continued. “I thought, surely he’s not talking about my Phil. But when I came back to find the room was empty, well-"

“Dan…”

“Then you came sneaking into our room like some kind of thief, and I knew. I knew that you-"

Dan’s voice was louder now, the anger and accusation sharp as a blade, striking deep in Phil's heart. He could muster no defense, could offer no explanation that would ease Dan's pain. All he could do was stand there and let the arrows of Dan's hurt pierce him through.

“Are you just going to stand there and say nothing? God _dammit_ it, Phil! You owe me an explanation! You could at least tell me why!”

Phil dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out the dollar coins he'd been given. He held them out to Dan with a trembling hand and with a shaky voice said, “We needed money for the tickets.”

Dan’s gasp was loud in the quiet room. Phil watched as a horrified understanding crossed Dan's face, draining it of the color anger had put into his cheeks. Phil spun away, afraid of what he might see on Dan’s face.

“No. Oh Christ, Phil. Love, no…”

“I'm so useless, Dan. I don’t know how to do anything else, and I wanted… I didn’t want…”

He's rambling, thoughts frantic and disjointed as he thought about what he's done. His stomach rolled with nausea and his mouth filled as he bolted once more for the washstand.

He heaved, again and again, retching as he vomited into the basin. Tears leaked from his tightly clenched eyes as he felt Dan's hands on him once again, gentle and soothing.

Dan's voice was tight with emotion as he whisperrd in Phil's ear, telling him that it was alright, that he'll be okay, that they'll both be okay. Those big hands were warm on his back and after Phil rinsed his mouth, they turned him around and pulled him to Dan’s chest.

The feeling of being held again, when he expected Dan to leave him in disgust, had Phil closing his eyes in gratitude. He rested his head on Dan’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around Dan's waist.

“I'm sorry Danny. I’m so _sorry_ ,” he murmured. “Can you ever forgive me?”

He felt Dan sigh, those broad shoulders rising and falling with the strength of it. He was terrified that he was going to lose it all, so he kept his eyes firmly shut.

“Of course I can forgive you, Phil. I love you.” Dan’s voice wass soft, but his body was tense as if dreading the words that fell from his lips next. “Can-can you tell me how far it went tonight? I won't blame you Phil, but I need to know.”

Phil kept his face turned into Dan’s neck and his eyes closed. He knew Dan deserved to know but oh god, it hurt to say the words.

“I didn’t fuck him. I swear to you, Dan. I couldn’t be with anyone else like that, only with you.”

Some of the tension stiffening Dan's shoulders drained away.

“I didn’t use my mouth either."

The thought made Phil nauseous once more so he continued on in a hurry. His voice was quiet when he said, “I used my hand until he-until he…”

He felt rather than heard Dan's long, sighing exhale. His breath ruffled Phil's hair, causing him to shiver. The silence stretched on until Phil felt he would scream from nerves.

“Dan?” he asked fearfully.

Dan’s hands came up to cup the sides of Phil’s face, forcing him to meet Dan's eyes.

“Never again. Do you understand? Never again will you think so little of yourself that you'll sell yourself for coins.”

“Dan-"

“No, Phil!”

Startled into silence by the fierceness of Dan's words, Phil watched as Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He opened his eyes and continued, still firm but under control. “No. I don’t care that I'm the one paying for our passage home. Don’t you understand yet, Phil? Money means nothing but you? You mean everything to me.”

Then Dan tipped Phil's face up to his own, placing a kiss on his lips. It was soft and gentle, a kiss of love and of forgiveness. And when Dan pulled Phil down onto the bed, he held him close and reminded him of his worth.

**

  
November 25, 1852

  
_Hello Mum Howell,_

_Dan shared with me the contents of your last letter and I appreciate the offer of your hospitality. Your willingness to take in a stranger shows me the kindness and compassion that dwells in your heart and I shall take great pains to be worthy of your trust._

_I know Dan has explained the nature of our relationship, and I'm truly humbled by your acceptance as my own family couldn’t tolerate one such as me. I'd been alone for quite some time before Dan drifted into my life one Spring day and I send up thanks every day for the winds of fate that blew him in my direction._

_It hasn’t been easy letting Dan into my heart but I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that your son is quite stubborn. He wore me down with his sweet thoughtfulness and loving kindness until I was helpless to resist the love and affection he showers upon me._  
_He has helped me to realize that perhaps I'm not as useless as my Father once proclaimed._

_I wish to confess to you, Mum Howell, that I did something quite awful a few weeks past. Something that hurt Danny and I both terribly and I do beg your forgiveness as I have begged his. He has accepted my apology, and it shall never happen again but I could not in good conscience accept the invitation into your home without being fully honest. I do hope you'll accept my apology as well._

_We have finally saved enough money to purchase tickets for the next train and will continue our journey east. With any luck, we will be home to you by year's end._

_Affectionately yours,_

_Phil_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> You can like/reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/178055187465/swallow-the-shame-rating-mature-word-count-2k)


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